I want another first kiss
for every minute with you I've missed
for every single past time we could have been each others only tryst
the very first, the very first time that love would exist and persist

I've searched for you in every line on every page of every poem I've ever written
in every mile since leaving home in every day of life I've roamed and never forgiven
over every mountain I've crawled and in every depth of every dark sea
I've felt you like a heartbeat and I couldn't breathe or be whole without you defining me

you are my religion in every bright hope it promises
even with all of doubt's dominance
the struggle will never again seem unbelievably ominous
if I could just have your hand regardless of any consequence

I was created to chase you to the ends of this flat earth
to show you and prove to you what true love is worth
I am only worth half of what you're meant to be
and I must show you what the other half shines like inside of me

please listen to a man on his knees
I would never lie and ask you to believe in belief
just see that you love me so deeply too
there is only the thought of one in combining us two

the sun never finds it's way up my sky without your smile
there is no heart wrenching pain too rough in these trials
if you come to feel the same things that I know to be true
that there is never self there is only me and you

oh god can you even breathe without me?
doesn't your soul remember?
that all that being alive could ever render
is just a peace here in it's splendor without a temper and so glad to surrender

I will kiss your lips and love your laugh and crave your essence
and never feel content without your presence
and always watch every doorway everywhere we visit for you entrance
and read every whisper on your skin for every message

no one loves as deeply as I do and every thought you have you know it to be true
search for me
because we deserve to feel this
I ache and I ache but I am so happy just to search for you

I will find you and I will hold you so close that skin won't just touch it will shiver
I will fill your heart's fissures and you will remember
that all a soul is good for is finding it's other half
and no one has ever been so adored as how I adore your perfect face and sweet laugh

I love you more than I have the words to give you
and that makes a poet's love the truest truth

I don’t know if I have enough heart left to give to anyone else in sharing I’m always
back at the start just trying to be myself and pretend I’m caring and it’s glaring me in
the face this stalled pace                       at which I’m                      crawling through my
own life trying not to                                    cringe                                 from the deep cuts of
the knife that you all                                                                                       call love it all feels
to me like a clifftop                                                                                            kiss goodbye with
a hard shove and                                                                                                 from where I
stand it makes me                                                                                                 wonder if I
misunderstand it                                                                                                  what I thought
was the right way                                                                                               that I should but
apparently I really                                                                                             misunderstood
and it all makes me                                                                                         beg and cry out to
everyone in this part                                  please save my heart        there’s so little  left of
the me that could ever                                                                           believe couldn’t this
god damned world just                                                                      once let me keep a little
piece all I ask of this terrible                                                           wretched fucking lifetime
is a life that’s actually all mine                                                   let me build something and
protect it and keep it safe as my                                          own beautiful charm safe from
the chaos and the harm am I worth                              so little do I count for so much less
that I should endure my heart being                      belittled and beaten under this much
stress I don’t even know anymore how to       trust and the machine that has become
my day to day survival is so filthy with rust I just want to feel like I am a human being
with some worth and knowing deep down that I never will be, is the very worst.

I've been writing the same tired words
weary from forever trying to explain you
to the same endless song
repeating itself to me in your every kiss
ever since we started this game that we play
of me loving you
with a fondness that still remembers you, pure
loving you with depth that will always catch your falls
and you always pulling away from me
pushing me away
taking a needed piece of me each time you stray
making it a little harder to heal
making it a little scarier to feel
a little harder to keep hope in a new start
making me a little harder in the heart
when all I need from you, is all of you, just one time
because you would never want to leave the embrace
of a best friend kept in a lover's mask with a poet's need for only you
if you would just look into my eyes
that see only your beauty, blind to your scars
what you'd see would tell you
that to me you are perfectly imperfect

but the song repeats and somehow all my words fail me
in forever trying to win you, to charm you, to keep you
and the infinite sadness that is loving you
burns me again as I pull it's flame even closer
trying to make you mine at last
in every word I say all you have to hear is the truth
if you ever want to believe in love again, believe now
we are the proof

because every time we lay down together
and I wake up alone
I crack a little deeper, I become a little more fragile
I lose a little more I haven't got left to give
I turn a paler shade of ghost
and the crime is never punished
because you never stay to see
that you're killing the one person who loves you most
with every meaningless kiss you give

I die a little
with each meaningless kiss

jealousy
it's forced regrets are raping me
it steals the songs from lullaby's
it steals all rest from sleep at night
it's eating me one tooth filled grin at a time
it hates with hate filled lover’s crimes
I'm cringing sick I can't escape the wreck
the squeezing grip it has around my neck
I'm losing hope with every painful breath
there's no sign of it's end in length or breadth
it beats, it brawls, it scars, it darkens the sun
I use to think that I was the only one
until all that jealousy stole
it's consuming me whole

what happened to the hope filled light
in my bright eyes that could see through any fight
now I'm lost in every one of her wrongs
where has all of me gone?
consumed by her consummation with lies

I miss my bright eyes


jealousy
pondering where she could be
imagining my wide imaginations worst
thinking of her affections with a choking thirst
who has her hand and where she wears those skirts
who can get close with lines and flirts
fearing all a man can fear alone
fearing down into aching bones
this is a war I cant win filled with brimstone and spite
it keeps me wondering and wandering the streets at night
it steals the light from two bright eyes
the ephemeral boys' once beautiful view of life
I think of all the things my new outlook holds
jealousy is consuming me whole

surprised by her consummation with all of the lies
I miss my bright eyes

every time I let the memories back in
I lose her again
every time I think of now and then
I've just lost my best friend
all over again
and I roll over again
tossing and turning in bed another night
making a night's sleep another fight
hiding my eyes under covers from the morning light
knowing that nothing now can make it all alright
and my heart aches and my chest squeezes tight
and I lose hope, and I lose my desires, and I lose sight
of anything that could make me whole now
of what could help me relearn to be proud
and I cringe, and I scratch at the sores, and I gush pain aloud

what can ever make me whole now?

true, I gave her up, I cast her like a stone
just to watch the ripples and to be myself, alone
but they never explain the solitude of the throne
or the anticipating the mail and the waiting by the phone
or the feeling of no arms around you like losing your home
like watching the fires of your greed burn down all you've grown

I'm sorry for every time I yelled
I'm sorry for all the bad memories her stories have to tell
I'm so sorry for her pain ringing like a bell
not fading fast enough like she can't forget me fast enough for it to quell
because I broke our spell
I'm sorry for the distance and the personal, inflicted hell
and the feeling of nausea that is nothing can make either of us well

with the depths of this consuming hole as I fall, not proud
and the pains that make me wince aloud
what could ever make me whole now?

It flows through me passing into me taking part of me as it leaves
streaming by like a heavy wind draining my fresh hopes it thieves
time
is taking more from me than even the breaking of me took to survive
now nothing mends as days past by lend only distance contrived
this fall into passing years has found no bottom yet
and it makes every instance I hear the words "I love you" another debt

and I have paid, I have paid and bled and learned to bend
only to bleed again and lose friends and find withdrawals with no end
time
is the riptide I struggle in, being swept farther from any safe shore
it is the hungry predator that never quite kills but thirsts always for more
more of my life eaten
more of my flesh beaten
more so I'm made the cretin
never, never, never does it rest while I'm still breathing

none of the new years are kind and the months are more of their cruel kind
the days and the minutes become the haunting ties that bind

I am so far from any good memory that I miss them like childhood loves
time has become a terrible keeper keeping me from rising above

all I want is to look forward into my days and see hope for happiness
as my youth slips, I see time is not a clock on a wall it's an illness
it's not a hand on a dial
it's the cost of every step of every mile
it's not a chime on the hour
it's the pain that makes aging sour
it's not a schedule for sleep
it's the loss of every yesterday it keeps

and I've had my fill of the chills and it's hurtful tricks
time is the illness we all share as it ticks
time is my best days gone, my illness with quickly burning wick
and with it, I am so sick

happy and care free
the side of me waiting inside me that you'll probably never see
a "me" that can't stand the sight of myself outwardly that you'll probably always believe
the person that I want to become when I overcome my defeats

It's the way your eyes lie to me that makes me light up inside
I'm happy to have the chance to change my hold on pride
they draw us together like the sides of a satchel with strings pulled
oh how I love to be fooled

those eyes, that color, their light, your stare
they make me forget everyone else and forget myself and not care
they draw me in with a whisper that asks if I dare
they pull me in like a scream rushing at me through lust filled air

it's funny how eyes can deceive so believably

teach me how to lie
I want the same fake happiness you see as a prize
teach me how to lie
I want the same hollow affection that gets you by
teach me how to lie
show me how the honest heart's noose needs to be tied

teach me how to lie
because the truth is I can't survive my own life

I will walk the miles in your heart
the distance it takes to prove my love
I will trudge the sands of your time
the moments you need, to know I will stay
I will chase storms into the ocean
and beat the waves to rest on your shores
I will catch fire for you and burn new light
to set aglow the path to your affections

giving up or giving in, will never even begin to begin
and never will I ever beg to be let in
I will earn you

I will ride the comets into your black skies
to get a deeper look into your blue eyes
I will never surrender or be subdued
I will reach you
I will brave the fears and swallow the salt in your tears
to teach you
that we were meant to be one
no setbacks will keep me, no dark streets will defeat me
I will arrive, I will arrive

You are my river uncrossed, you are my home still lost
you are cherished deeply at any cost
you are my quiet moment soon to be filled with music
you are the evidence of love that proves it

I will run the race it takes to chase an angel
I will
I will it to be true
and no mile will keep me from you

he don't talk much now that his spirit been broke
a man of few words that lost the joy a smile evokes
he don't speak of the good times anymore
feeling all the money in his pockets has left him poor
he don't raise his head much when he writes
ignoring the lovers and families around him tonight
he just pushes that pen looking for solutions and answers
scared of every lonely day coming like a slow cancer
he hates the eyes staring back in the mirror's glare
he hates the ways he sees that they use to care
and prayer don't work 'cause no one ever whispers back
he's a slow, trudging train on the endless track
of regret pushing and shoving for redemptions
feeling love all around him and his own lowly exemption
and he'll chat with you if you ask
but the words and stories you'll hear are just a mask
secretly he holds hands with a little boy
who's not coming back to be his favorite dandy toy
he's still holding his hand and only looking back
surviving each of his heart's attacks
with the bottle, with a guise, using memories to patch the cracks
and peace is all he asks

how I pray for him to find a healing, completely
dear God, how I wish he wasn't me

there’s a vacuum, a hole in my heart, a skip in it’s beat
the size of your shimmering glow
it's the width of your smile, the height of your laughter
it’s where my love gleans all that it wants to know

it’s an autumn untouched in a memory held fondly
watching the white shine of fresh fallen snow
it pulls like a tide and it howls like a gale
and it tugs at me to surrender to all it bestows

it prays with belief and sustains on it's faith
and it stands tallest on two bended knees
it's all ribbons and wrapper the thing I most wanted
and it fills my needs completely

you and I are the seed, the sprout, the tree, the fruit
the protection of deep binding roots
you and I
the journey along no destination’s route  
my wanting unwaning, your flirtatious glances
the wonderful unknowing pursuit

I think that I've become the one
who's every choice brings pain
who's every adventure ended in other's tears
who's every action cost other's dearly

I think I've been the one to load the gun
that always craved more and never learned to refrain
that made the night times turn cold and bring in fears
who's lied in every word spoken clearly

I think I've become the boy
who takes but never gives of himself
who wants the world for his toy
and drinks it down to his own health

I think I made this bed where I lie
and made it feel unloving to hold my hand
I watched so many suffer in tears as they cried
and I listened with no intention to ever understand


I think I broke the skin with my kiss
and stole the prized things they'd miss
I think I said I cared then let them slit their wrists
and I created this

the world stopped loving me
they all stopped loving me
they all saw through the guise and learned to hate the mayhem
and no one can blame them


I think that I've choked all lasting love dead
and poured bitter ink in all the wine
I think I've left stains with everything I've said
eaten all the fruit and killed the vine

I think I sold their affections for things that shine
I think I've smashed my own glass walls
I think I'm about to suffer the cost of selfish crimes
and see that I'm left with nothing at all


I think I bled them dry chasing a bliss
and touched the soft with a crippling fist
I think I promised but never cared of promises missed
and I created this

they all stopped loving me
my world stopped loving me
they all chocked for the last time on my poisoned mayhem
and no one can blame them

even with all the love letters that I've sent
I know I don't kneel low enough to really repent

all you ever ask of me
was to give myself unrestrained, completely
but so much of me lives in the past
always I'm the drifting ship without a mast
and you always knew it
but me leaving you proved it
now your anger is almost all I feel
seen in every passing glance I steal
and I can't blame you
for hating what is true

now I'm cashing in memories just to wear a smile
but the sore pangs of life's true cost come every new mile
and every thought of what's lost drives me into someone's arms
looking to find the same protection and charm
but stranger after stranger makes my life a little stranger
and where there could be new connections there is only mistrust and anger

and the ache of constant questioning drowns me in another drink
and I swallow the color from another glass till I'm back over the sink
facing that awful mirror that always tells the truth
that silently describes how the tears in these eyes are the proof
that I don't know how to love you more than I did
and I know it fell so short of everything you wanted
and now I know I regret it myself too
all the needed things I couldn't give you

but I don't know now who I am without you here
when I look backward to our past I see myself then so clear
all I can do now is give these apologies for all your realized fears
that I couldn't be the true love that you could always hold dear

childless father, I fucking ache
every time it crosses my mind that I miss his little face
when any other connection to anyone else feels so out of place
living only in the past in analyzing my actions and in decisions I retrace

and no one else can really understand what it takes just to get up and stand
what getting on your own two feet each morning demands
when you're young son isn't yours anymore to see become a man
when you can't hold his, so you just wipe your tears with your useless hands

regret
will put a blade in your belly and cut slowly till you will never forget
the waking in cold sweats and seeing any other love as a threat
it makes the smiling at others just a bluff as you place each day's bet

can I survive this draining daily distress?
is there life after a needed connection's brutal death?
can I catch back up to normal when the pain won't let me catch my breath?
can I live a whole life when without him I am so much less?

I can't drink the pangs numb or calm my blood's churning seas
the sickening motion rolling through each inch of me
the sticky tar that paints me in black misery
or kill the grinning devils that make any new hope only trickery

childless
a father's love unwavering but never received
without my baby son all I do is grieve
and I have no use anymore for love, no matter what I use to believe

so i reach this after all    teach myself after all    that after every fall from each torturous height and frightening ache that’s made me crawl    in the wake of what it’s taken to survive each tooth spitting brawl  
i am proof that nothing can diminish a survivors soul to nothing at all    and no matter what you call it or     what its commanding    i am still standing   maybe a little less tall    but on my own two feet for what its worth even with this curse   the weight of my absent self worth   i have given birth to some kind of hope and   i know now i can send it forth to return to cut loose this noose rope    with what i’ve learned about always   feeling deeply that i can’t keep all the pieces of me together neatly and i yearn   sadly so badly wanting to  
       watch the world burn  

my reckless life has tried to beat and eat alive all i've strived for but i have arrived at 33 i have survived      not completely living but somehow alive