The way you smile says enough
and it has taken me this long to see
that I am not afraid of what I am…
Of what I have been
I’m afraid of what I’m being.
My greatest fear is that you will see me
Exactly as I see me.
That after all this you will finally discover the origin of my brokenness
And wonder if I will ever be fixed
Wonder if I’m worth this or worthless,
I need to except I will never be the same
Your kiss makes me wish I could stay
And see the way you see me.
I want to wake up some day and recognize
The girl reflecting in your eyes
And know undoubtedly
That breathless, beautiful, living, breathing
Girl there is me.
In a world crying out for sameness...
for diversity it’s hard to understand,
why you chose me
why you never chose me
why you left me
why you kept me.
How in the beginning
I was absolutely everything,
and how when I woke
I was nothing.
Did you lose your sense of belonging? Is it the way you know you don’t fit in, remarks on your skin, your partner, your friends? Is it that you could never get one; a general rejection from society always whispering your wrong? Perhaps its that not even the people everyone has told you should care most don’t at all. Perhaps you feel the ones that should care for you most lash out most of all and pull you down and push you against cement walls. Is it the feelings of building frustration that eats at you? Is it that you are stagnating in an unfortunate place or is it the terror you feel when you remember that you are trapped here with no way out except to wait. Is it that sense that you are completely and terrifyingly inadequate in the life you are in, in this situation you are surrounded by? Tell me right now what the hardest part for you is. Is it the sense of purpose that has died inside you like the delicate dreams you held protectively in fumbling hands or dose your desperation dance with all the things people can’t understand? Is it spinning and whirling and dipping with your sense of what is human with your sense of humanity? Do you shutter at their loss of compassion or the loss of your own? Do you think angrily of how they hate you or do you shudder in regret at the way you gave up on yourself? Tell me if you are angry for their wanting you to change or at your reflection for knowing that you can’t. Are you upset that you are aside from them or because in a moment of disgust you realize they are exactly the same as you? Are you mad that you alone are solely responsible for your sense of happiness while all along knowing it is all dependent on a wondering chance, some element you will need to accomplish it and allowing yourself to experience it while it’s there. Tell me I want to know, what’s the hardest part for you? Is it the pain, the terror, the dread, the numbness, the ache, the falling, the pressure, the restlessness, the emptiness, the cold indifference, the chaos, the cohesion, the awakening or your ignorance? Tell me what’s the hardest part for you?
Brown little can resting on restless wheels
Waiting to carry me away,
Paint peeled like every bit
Of my sense of security
I’m in fear of everything,
Of leaving my dreams and sense of identity
Of all the screams that play in
My day dreams,
In echoes off the vacant caverns in my chest
Little fists clenched and weary
Longingly staring at pavements passing
Wishing to wake, to cry to break
The silence with this tremendous
Refusing to let blond feathered hair out of my sight,
Like he might just disappear
Drop into distance like everything else
I have ever known, that’s ever grown inside of me,
I will hide him,
In fake smiles, in hand holding,
I will hide him from fathers breaking cry’s
The first tears spilt over old scars
From his crippled heart.
I will tell him I love him so much
There will be no room for my wounds
He will have no space for the vast expanse of
Pain of mistrust and the awful nothingness.
Everything is gone, the world is the inside
Of this car hurdling through space with no destination,
I am holding the weight of the world on
My frail little shoulders and I hold it.
I only break under the weight of his sad eyes
glacial blue gray where my hope drowned
and my childhood dies. There is no safe part in me.
I’m so sorry…
I feel like you just dropped me
And I was so afraid
Of the winds friction against me
Of my stomach flipping
Of the things behind me
That my eyes were misting,
Afraid to hurt as I hurdled
As all my weight
Gave gravity leverage over me.
I know what its like to gather
Fractured pieces of your essence
To have your dreams pool at your feet
While you bleed abandonment.
I want to find you I seek
Your face and that sense
Your safety always gave me.
You provided stability to hope,
You fueled my dreams,
You made me believe
I was worth something.
Your eyes will be the last I see
Your laugh will echo in
All my bad dreams to come undone to.
I’m done playing this game with you.
And it hurts to smash face first
Onto frozen dirt.
But I’m a lot harder now
My hallow chest falls slower
This person I have become
You’ll never really know her.
She doesn’t fracture at the thought
Of your next abandonment
She doesn't hurt anymore
As a means of self punishment.
I promise, here watch me step off the edge
It’s not enough to want me.
Part of me is still dead or dying
Over all those things you said.
My heart bleeds and my head
Swirls with all these lessons you have taught me.
Your smile is so warm and
Your hand feels so familiar in mine
I find I’m perpetually falling
When graced with your presence
I can never be safe when I want this
When I want things that don’t exist.
I feel so sorry
I can’t pretend like you do
I wish it was real
But the impact and inevitable devastation
Is not worth your immediate satisfaction,
My hesitation is my claim to my best decision
No sudden impulse has ruined me
I remain like always
As true to myself as I know how.
I will love me as much as you always should have
And your laugh makes me soft
And your memories bring me back to who I was
Before I broke,
But some words can’t be unspoken
And I don’t want to know how long
It takes, how hard you’ll fake before
And I am only ashes.
I’m so sorry
Your pain haunts me,
But that is not enough.
I’m afraid you will think in all the wrong ways
And never know the greatest gift I ever gave
Is that I don’t love like you do.
And when things change
They never fit quite the same.
Churning like the vast expanse of ocean laid at my feet.
All the distance and space of things,
Breaking like the wake inside of me
Like the ache inside of me,
Wait your drowning again
My head spins and my lungs
Burn at every want of breath
At every needing, at my neediness
At surviving day after day
Painfully aware of my slow sinking
Pretending I don’t care, about happiness
At my relentless pleas and prying
Into the gray spot of morality inside of me
Thinking an echo over and over
That I don’t miss my sense of belonging
And yearning with every water molecule
In my physical body that you would reach out
Or say you want me.
That I could escape this rip tide and
Hide in dry sand, or your hands
Could pull me up and save me,
Lately the waters colder
And I’m older I’m harder, I’m patient,
I’m tougher , I’m jaded. I hate it
I hate me, I hate this
water rushes as I hit my knees..
Today I can't save me
Adrenalin spikes, heart's pounding
today's the day
today… I’m drowning.
Scared: the invaluable opportunity life provides us to be brave.
That kiss of yours was something,
braver than you have been before,
I'm unsure what’s got me captivated
but that kind of
that sort of thing
l i n g e r s
it trickles through memories,
runs through grasping fingers
And I will think of it simply because that kiss
felt like it actually
I wonder how many notebooks I would have to fill,
If thoughts of you would exceed the life of my pen.
Probably, but then again I might get trapped in
all the things we never said.
I might get caught inside my head,
revisiting all the things that made me feel
like I was silly to think you would want me,
A brokenness that haunts me,
I'll set down my God forsaken pen
And stop writing.
I will remember how every conversation lead
with hard question
is accused of my want of a fight..
I have been fighting
All the hard parts alone.
I wonder how many note books I could fill
About feeling on my own.
I wonder how many notebooks I could fill
with all the parts of you, you never let me know.
There is a vast forest of my thoughts
Growing slowly in this
And this shaking hallow wind echoes
In passive resistance
Against reaching branches
Marked by a remarkable drop in temperature
Rolling around and drowned
Caught in the undertow of excessive and
extensive self-expressive literature
You are the perfect example of uncertainty
In yourself, in your remarkable ability
To avoid direct contact.
You abandon me here in these woods
And pondering the probability of your return.
murmuring to myself " youhavelearned
That’s all that needs to be said as his hand explores my face
As he climbs into my bed
And whispers all my worries in comforting kiss
Kills my heartache in the simplest kinds of bliss
He lent me persistence in physical presence
And provided sanity soft as his lips
Dripping with sincerity echoing
In all the silence preceding and fallowing
His simple statement,
Colliding with my emotional dissonance
His caring limitless intentions
Scandalous and seaming compellingly guiltless
Pulling me close and killing the lonely
So much, he shows me in utter darkness
And he says so much in such simple utterance.
You are there to put a smile on my face and chase
Away so many of life’s little anxiety’s
And I’m gratefully lost in your distraction
I’m finally settled at least
With these things surrounding our attraction
It’s true and I’m preoccupied with what
You hid and the things you said
You bridged the gap between
What I thought I couldn't do and what I did.
A foot hold on the parlous rock face
To where the sun sinks below the rocks,
And time makes the past a still frame in space
And stars reflections of our hearts
And the ocean knocks against the distance.
You are the foundation for my self healing
Self-image and in maintaining my resilience
You impact me simply in your existence.
Little idiosyncrasies that define you
More than the edge created by the light
Refracting off your dark skin
The give of your full lips against
My porcelain surface set
To tingle at your sultry glances,
The kind you give before pouncing
The stance you take and that
Tiny noise you make when
My rhythms right
Or I've managed to catch your attention
And lure you in'
A million different things
Wrapped around me perfectly wonderful
Like racing heartbeats and your arms around me.
The kinds of memories I’m glad are ours
With all the you things that make me
Glad that I’m yours.
Knees weak and trembling
Lost to rhythm, lost to times
To the flashing lights and ancient lies
Of your laugh and vulgar humor,
To your eyes and wrinkled warped wisdom
With how you always held your hands,
With the million ways you used them
And the games we would play
All the days spent on repeat
Poison broken hope hid in hell and
Torment disguising the life and decay
In the bottom of your soul
Your immense presence dwindling
Into nothing as you cave in.
Defined by your addiction,
Owned and liberated to be
Defined by your prognoses
Still hosting those same feelings
Of self hate, depreciation
Creating your own hell
For temporary damnation
I pray you save yourself,
There’s no one here to help you.
I’m sorry I couldn't stop you,
I’m sorry your life haunts you
Weighs on you taunts you like the guilt
Causing pressure on your chest,
Lung cancer it spreads,
I hate to whisper to myself
Because all that’s left to be said
Is you shouldn't hold your breath.
There is only forward head down,
Gut wrenched in a twist
Eyes cast down I pretend I don’t know her,
Until my eyes transcend this mundane
Headed for the door
Utterly perpetual inevitable encounter,
Walk a bit faster,
I swear sometimes
That girl in the reflection
I hate you she’s murmuring
Fresh wounds burning
The beat of her
And this negative self image
Skipping pebbles and watching the ripple
Reach out until it fades , or its fingers grasp
At the sand on the edge of the bank.
A sad gesture I think,
It seems Just like me,
Always leaping and reaching
And feeling it fall between your fingers
Drop like shaking knees
Like sand on the bank
Takes some patient observations
To find reason to thank
Salty tears pool like the ones that linger
On my porcelain cheek,
Feeling mild and momentarily
Enveloped in the telling tropical storm
The whirling wind whistling through the hole in my chest
Reminding me I’m torn
The pain of each beat just like the next
Breaking wake against sand
A rip tide against my
Washed out pride
Warm water against my skin
If you would touch my tears
I think you’d understand
The sorts of feelings
I’m wading in.
I couldn’t tell you for sure if I’m realistic
I want to believe in you.
When life spans over a vast canvas
And my life’s encountered so many marks
And sparks and dings and things
its fallen, am I falling?
I am aware I will never be prepared.
Hold me like you could know me,
Before and after whatever event
We are looking through
And let me feel you.
Tonight I feel alone
I feel hallow, I feel ashamed
I feel borrowed
I only want to talk and linger
I’m a night stalker and a day dreamer
With no time in-between for sleep
Crawl beneath my sheets and hold me.
A god I have never known
Would have warned be of how easily
Everything can come to mean
But he never did and I’m not kidding
Over my sense of being
Worthless, this nonsense
This hurt this chaos is it worth it?
I insist it is for no good reason
Everyone says I need something
To believe in
I wonder how they would be
If they knew I believed in them.
Peeling away layers like
They were made of soft cotton
And had buttons ,
You surprise me,
Shows in my sighs I think
Your kiss firm against my inner thigh,
Tongue pressed against my willingness
Expressed in every moment we have alone
Out of eagerness
In the nervous shaking of my fingertips
While I reach for something
Beyond your chest ,
Fallow the rise and fall
And concentrate on how your arms hold me
To the center of everything
While I free fall, eyes closed heart stalled into
This lack of control,
No you wont let me lose myself
I realize the crashing
In my head is just
Walls crumbling to dust,
You are resurrecting
The remains of my broken trust
Brazenly causing the destruction of
My inhibitions with every little
Kiss across my middle,
Along my leg and between my hips
it seems you cause
Every time you part your lips.