I feel guilty in hot spikes
Like I might be doing something I ought not want to
Or that by focusing on me you may feel I forgot you
That by allowing you to play in the back ground of my active brain
I am not fixating on the way you say my name
Or remembering all the times you came
To save the day, I am not reaching out to touch you
In a physical way
And I don’t let myself feel sad with no distractions
I just fade and detach when guilt feels like
Then I got to thinking
About myself and what I want and
I thought maybe we are perfect,
Perfectly in step with who we ought to be,
And with you gone in all this change I felt
I was leaving
But i,m dreaming
Of standing on my own two legs
and of all the sweet things you always say
about my heart and my head and
that I accomplish great things,
you would be proud of me.
I’m just making my own place
My own bit of sunshine, my own oasis
So I can pull you in
And face it
All the bright light all my mistakes
Our first date and late nights,
Holding your hand and chasing loose dreams
Like pretty butterfly wings.
Like you run when we race
For the last of the swings,
I love you, and suddenly it seems like
Moving toward you and moving toward me
Are actually quite possibly the very same things.
Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirroring the ache in your chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason,
hesitating considering Begging,
trapped in circular thinking
Always coming back ,Just mean it.
Like a whispered prayer “just mean it”
Like a hungry desperation “ just mean it”
Like a shameful confession “ just mean it”
Like an explosive accusation “ JUST MEAN IT”
Screams echoing in my head
Don’t leave me
Trapping feelings like thunderstorms
Beneath my skin speckled
In the yellow tint, purple blue bits
Of faded bruises
Reflecting the greatest testament
To your affection you ever gave,
The greatest gift I ever received.
To be loved you will be tough
You will never be saved
You will never be safe
I will shift, I will be shifting
I will be changing my mind as I speak
And then I will be leaving.
He is filling me with all these anxious feelings.
Leaving me fidgeting and
My eyes shift
Thinking I ought to blink
Faster , straining
To feign indifference
Knowing tears make his pace quick.
I get sick
Looking at reflective surfaces
Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirrors depict the ache in my chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
Blink, Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason.
I remember being proud of every granule of dirt
Raw beaten earth,
I built my temple out of.
Every water molecule in my crimson blood
Carefully selected to carry an essence
That I protected,
with the support of glass bones
Wrapped in healing wounds,
Putting everything I have into
Forgetting how to flinch
Regardless of the brutality life
Tries to dress me in,
Or smother me with .
Work through psychological damages
Practice away my
st stu stutter,
putting away broken syllables un uttered.
I will rise, you can not keep me tonight
Walk right up to the dark like
I never new the way it turns you into nothing
If you think im crazy,
Maybe your right
but im reminding you of something,
something that you tell yourself can't exist
something you let go of , something that you miss.
A sort of irrationality that's still making perfect sense,
plays in your morality defies your common sense.
This is the only chance I have at persisting to laugh
The only way for me to stay bright
The only way to keep light in my
Is to shine and let them see .
Something about existing, and persisting
In vulnerability is more than frightening
It is freeing.
I AM, as surly as
I am being,
I’m lifted, I’ve missed this.
I hope you catch the meaning
The thought of missing it
Leaves me feeling guilty
Like my will was straying,
praying to nothing
For things I had but wasn’t seeing.
I forgot to believe
That I was impossible
and that i'm breathing.
What was it worth?
You are just a million pieces that never settle.
A good bye and a get well
A hush hush whispering a don’t tell
Squelched by the fact that
You were far from well
Far from health
The bits of hell you swallowed yourself
Straight from the warm can
Clung to like a man lost at sea
Clings to a fist full of dry sand.
Breaking like a full gale
Against a torn sail
to your weak knees
And listing your brokenness
Only stopping to
Wipe the wanderlust
From your hazed vision.
What hope did I have?
What love did we live in?
Tell me was it fate that stole you
Did they take away the bird in your chest
Or was it you?
That held hope hostage
Shackled the bird to her nest let me
Be the first to tell you
You let me down
Let me be the first to notice
That you were worth
More when you were still around.
I let you see me, you let me in
and we agreed on nothing
But we understood everything,
And I didn't say it yet but you were my very best friend.
We stood on different ends of everything
It was maddening but across the distance
We would always see eye to eye
We fell wide open and into each other,
You never let me down
And although I was the water , you never let me drown.
Fire, you became my light and warmth and
The spark that inspired inner strength
You made me think, you made me laugh, and weep
And I keep thanking a God who doesn't listen
Who might not exist for your existence
As time passed and we changed
You turned into warm ashes
And me a light rain
I Finally feel grounded.
I used to feel like the grand canyon
All shades of brown dust
That held itself wide open
With unimaginable strength,
Possessing incomprehensible beauty
I am now nothing but that single tear
Cascading down your perfect cheek
You don’t see into me
You merely see through me
And I am small
And I will be flexible
And I will likely fall from great heights
Like rain drops
And when I strike the ground
I will remember how many
Years , how many
tears it took to make
Brave enough to be wide open
How I am vast span of pain and protest
How I fought for understanding and
Acceptance , that I could I posses
This incomprehensible beauty.
Light fades and every sun ray disintegrates
Into gray scale, pays tribute
To faithless hope or a hopeless faith
And I’m losing myself
Like clouds drop rain.
Not a tear shed for the parts they throw away,
Lying all my shadows across the things they say,
Until I’m hallow,
And I feel nothing
But this soft familiar thrumming,
It’s you calling
It’s always knowing when I have no home,
When I have gone insane,
That I can live in the way you say my name.
You watch me, lift me off my toes
Learn the things nobody knows
Chose the things nobody chose
Gather all my pain in your strong arms
Whisper your happy my soul touched yours and that
I’m altogether more than this compilation of scars.
No matter how far I fall
No matter how much life
I swear I see you.
And when I feel small under skies full of stars,
I feel found , tucked under your arm.
I feel safe under your gaze
And I can spend days in your space,
At a comfortable distance,
In the thrill when we’re touching.
And your my best friend I’ve always loved
To keep loving.
But this familiar thrumming
I don’t know if you knew what the words meant
Or how true they were to you
I only know the way I’d shiver when you said my name
When you whispered like you knew
Where I might have been
They ways that I could grow.
How do you describe it? The feeling you get deep down inside yourself when your looking down at her? When you hold her frail hand in yours and grasp it as if you could lend some stability to her fragile mortality. When you see her and see everything that escapes those around you.
You see yourself in her, in her dimming eyes because when she is gone she takes a part of you with her. You feel responsible for the wrinkles around that shade of somber blue because you know the exact way she squints a little when she’s laughing; when she smiles. You know the way she gathers her anxious feelings in the crease between her brows. You see all your childhood, all your life and love and existence mapped out on her aged skin like a map to the parts of yourself you could never quite find, never quite understand. You see the scar on the tip of her index finger where she prodded herself on the tip of a seam ripper while mending your torn heart. You are perceptive to the way she has shrunk under the weight of all of her disappointments and hopelessness’ in equal parts with your own and you wonder how, in the perfect silence interrupted only by her shallow breaths, you will ever see anything else. You begin to wonder how you will ever find yourself. And you shudder when her stare focuses in and out like her consciousness, like her memories giving you glimpses of the things being torn from you. Like a phantom limb a place in your chest aches where things once were only to discover empty space a lack of movement when you try to use it. I see anger at her life, at her death, I see loneliness and hopelessness, I see laughter and tears, confusion and purposelessness, I see abandonment and acceptance, I see vulgarity and patience,
And see only the greatest of absence I have ever known,
And I remain where I am with my eyes clinched closed
Afraid only to see what I can’t.
Sit still life moves swiftly
And while its shifting remember
You stumble when your sprinting to fast
Into dark past or free floating with eyes
Brush the dirt off
After you held your ground
You swim to well you won’t actually drown.
Screaming save me is only
An utterance of despair,
Particularly if you know
Your wasting air the on people
you know are not there.
I can’t even save myself
I’m barren I’m broken
I’ve let go,
I’m breaking ground
I’ve died inside
You have to breath to drown.
I feel crazy
Indeed the words lost meaning as surly as
I have lost my feeling.
Its difficult in moment like these to come up with something honest and insightful to make everyone feel better. It’s difficult to find the encouragement necessary to get a bunch of weirdo’s like you to smile when I have a perfect understanding of what you have lost. Grandmas passing came with a unique set of challenges I can admit I was not prepared to face. Her death left me feeling as equally perplexed as her life.
When grandma started to really get sick and I had to start wrapping my head around her passing I was afraid of a lot more than I am now. I was afraid I was losing the opportunity to know her sober, I was afraid to lose a member of your strange, perfect, functionally challenged family with its unique jerry springer dynamics. I was afraid I would lose the feeling that someone understood me, the way family only really can. I was afraid I was losing the person and the pace that tethered me to my origins and everything I think I know about myself. I felt like I was losing a person who provided for me my first understanding of the world and introduced me to the intricacies of the human experience I was losing my reasons to be angry the reasons I loved her. I would be losing the way she accepted every imperfect bit of me completely. I would be losing someone who was there for good or bad to watch me collect my scars and change my mind. I knew I was losing one of the most important women in my life and I was absolutely terrified and in a way I did lose those things.
But in a weird way it was as I was losing her that I feel like I finally found her. I found her in places I had never thought to look before. I found her in myself when I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I find bits of her younger photos in pictures of me in the way my eyes set on my face In the anxieties we shared. I see her in Jasmines complete acceptance of those around her, I find her in Jessica’s ability to take up an entire room, I hear her in cody’s never ending sarcasm. I see her In the way teia will spend days in a creative endeavor, I watch her in kalebs quiet observances and in the way he distracts me from my own grief, I see her sometimes when dad is sad but he still smiles and the stony flash in my mother’s eyes when she’s being super stubborn. I find her in all of our strange occurrences all these idiosyncrasies . I find her in the way we all have strange relationships with one another just as strange as the ones she had with each of us. I know now better than ever before what she gave me what she gave us and its at least as monumental as the things we have lost lost. I know now here with all of you where I belong, where she belongs and who she was. And although I can’t say for certain if she is with God I can’t shake the feeling that perhaps she is with us and if not than at least I find comfort knowing we all have something of her in us. I hope you find that as terrifying and disturbing but mostly comforting as I do. Because for better or worse she’s marked us and also it’s really difficult in a moment like these to come up with something both honest and insightful that makes a bunch of weirdos like us feel any better.
I remember when you were the very first I encountered
with tainted innocence,
with blood on your cheek,
it made you seem frightened made you seem
Sent idealisms against hard cement
split into tiny bits
your light had encountered dark night
or perhaps a few
and I found an understanding
I had never had in you,
I wanted to show you
I understood the sadness
in your somber eyes,
but your softness always made me smile
and I bathed in your broken edges
In your perfect light;
and yearned for your rough finger tips
I slipped into thoughts you revoked
and I thought I could belong
in your sweetness
I learned you yearned for something
I might not posses and confessed to having broken pieces
I jest at scenarios you thought not best
and I treasured you, through
I wanted you
my wanting you persisted
and I’m missing you
I have drown in sorrow and broken hearts,
I’ve given way to false start and lost
Bits of myself along this winding path.
I’m broken and had been choking on the
Words you refused to hear
I’ve floated for a good many years,
And I thought I understood the way the world turned,
Until you took my hand
And all of it went still.
I lost my composure , I found my thrill
And my heart still shutters
The rhythm stutters but still
It utters a single word
It says stay
If it had a sentence I know it’d
Say I sing for you.
And I want nothing more than those
Sad somber eyes, your rough fingertips
And all I can’t say could exist if I were just brave enough
To press my lips to your lips.
Vodka makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
Vodka makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you
Feeling dizzy like
I may have took to many shots and thinking
My ideas are better sober
Better when my head is clear and I know
What I shouldn’t say
But I never really know so
Maybe the truth should have its day
Im feeling dizzy and
I’m praying to a god who doesn’t listen
Who may not even exist
That you might just miss me,
That when I am most afraid all I want's
For you to kiss me.
I got drunk, ecxited thinking
I would be sinking into something
I was to afraid of thinking
Making some progress moving
Through all the feelings looming
Everyday perhaps sheding
On why my chest gets tight
Instead I just keep thinking
About sneaking in and waking
This perfect handsome man
And sleeping in his arms
Were I want so desperately to belong
Wondering if he is looking forward to uncovering
But I’m paitiantly waiting to see the
Look on his face
Taste the in the air
Make a move change the pace,
I’m begging, I’m shifting,lifes changing
I’m aiming to change the way things
Have always been
You are the best reason I’ve ever had to hold my breath and jump in.
How do I face a life filled with the sorts of injustice,
That makes you hard bitter and trustless,
Like you have died, your insides have rusted?
The sorts of horrors only reality can bring you
Sing you in to your real life like an alarm set to air horn,
Drilling into your head you are entiltled from the second were born,
Fuck your hearing
Your general morality like power steering
Scream when you realize they cut the breaks in your truck
Plows forward never giving a fuck
Your life has no patience for gushing sorrow
No time for self reflection or for an honest education
Tomorrow’s headed straight off a cliff.
Something more drastic then a valley or dip,
They always said life would be worth something
And I’m peering at damp ashes in humid mist
The carnage and wreckage throbbing
Wondering how the fuck I missed the signs
How do you miss something as obvious as this
like suddenly people emerge
From thin air no manners to spare
Like a bat out of hell headed to fast to nowhere
Just in time for a head on collision
Spit flying and screaming confused and head reeling
Never catching the meaning of a word that were saying
Listening to survivors whine
Over uncertainty clearly having lost the
ability to change minds
While veterans just shake their heads
Biding the time they have left
Put it to drive putting faith to the test
their eyes pinched closed and praying
foot pressed to the gas
Whisper how did I miss it? Miffed
Like how do I do it again?
Wishing I could make sense feeling guilty
Knowing I have embodied my sins
when all the white kids bruise blue and bleed red.
Because every silly kid with a family and a daddy knows
One’s life was never their own.
Suicide is something not to be pounderd
And trying is never enough
So get tough
And take it, it won’t be worth it but make it
The trauma stops
Tell the blood that drops
Tells you slow your heart beating long enough
To come up with some rickety reasoning behind assigning a meaning
Screaming echoes down the corridors of numbness
driving wrekless while you send text messages
hoping to feel something,
You find a fondness for the sense of loss in
Somber thoughtless children
Guilt ridden and lawless
Un disciplined and they called us
Called us Satan called us saints
I hate playing your game
They treat the pawns like there worthless.
I miss the old days
Before I realized
Is someone compensating
for their teeny tiny
In our American dream,
That every politicans dirty
and no one says what they mean.
I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the fuck to do
I was waiting for the last chance
For the pressure to build
For the words to explode
For my feelings to spill
To feel the beginning the reeling
I’m heading in
A million directions.
I only wanted something to hold onto when I am
It’s impaired my breathing
Seething in guilt
Someone save me
Someone shake me
Make me believe
It has to be me, but I’m bleeding
Over all the chances I had to say good bye
And I wish I would have been there
To tell you I was proud.
Now I’ll drown
And I will be remembering you.
Maybe if I paint my lips red
I’ll forget I’m hallow
And maybe if I put on
My favorite skinny jeans
I’ll know what it means to feel
I’ll remember that
I have tomorrow
And the clinching in my chest
Meant to jest at my own demise
And the way I despise myself
Won’t always show in sad blue water eyes
I can’t hide at the back of the shelf.
I can’t be stifled by my own sorrow,
Let me borrow your sunshine,
I’ll bring mine tomorrow.
I'm afraid to think
I am only moments from a time,
where the luster in your eyes and
the tilt on your smile
are confined to the degrading
depreciating nature of my mind.
I want to remember you in
all your brilliance,
in all your defiance
in your broken
I have spent a life time
misconceptions at the notion that
morality doesn’t come in color,
you are the brightest quilt,
the most colorful humor,
you are a humid summer,
you lovely woman
my father’s mother.
I will hold you tenderly in
my wilting memories.