i went out on a limb.
i grabbed onto nothing,
and i dove right in.
it took me so long,
yeah it felt like a lifetime.
now there's no more wondering
but there sure aint no sunshine.
-and i want to scream and watch my lungs fall from my mouth.
i want to puke my guts out.
i want to cry and watch a river grow.
i want to keep on pushing, but i've gotta let go.
i took this stupid chance.
i barely remember why i did.
climbing all these mountains
just to fall back down unsafely.
now what do i do from here?
where do i go?
how is anyone supposed to really know
i want to love you but i'm not sure i'm allowed to. i want to fall asleep and stay in an eternal dream state of mind. i wish that i could turn back clocks so i could just continue and continue to rewind.
i could explode form the inside.
every time you let me down.
I could feel o top of the world but
you can bring me underground.
and i don't want to love you like this.
why is a happy love so hard to find?
i need to discover something i can hold on to,
because id rather feel empty that hurt this much inside.
what do i do now? with tears splashing from my eyes.
where do i go from here? because the end of the road is within my sight.
and i know i can't go any further without losing myself along the way.
i cant seem to recover.
i sometimes forget how i love you.
only because time has put it in the back of my mind.
it's not that i don't think of you.
it's just that when i do, it's hurt a little less each time.
and then you go ahead and talk to me.
your words hitting me like bullets, they do.
And it all comes flowing right back to me.
and i remember how much i love you.
i am not sure i will ever clean you from my mind for good.
i wish i could just be hypnotized so that i would.
cause if i never knew you, i could live this life of happiness.
but then id forget all the good times. then would i be myself?
believe me darling i know my limitations,
but believe me once more i know how to break them,
crossing lines is a habit that's become so routine.
for a while all i did was try to behave,
standing behind lines i didn't know how to break.
i'm not hiding in the darkest corner this time.
i know now...
i cant live my life between the lines, i've got to walk on the outside,
or no one will ever watch me shine. & i can't live my life between the lines, i've got to trust myself to fly.
or no ones gonna see me shine.
believe me honey i know i've grown outside my skin.
this skin that i've felt so uncomfortable in.
and i like this.
believe me darling i know i'm not the same.
but i'm myself, and that's the change, i was reaching for the whole time.
What has happened to my sweet, sweet paradise?
i've been hitting walls left and right.
i feel like a mouse in a maze.
everyones eyes are glued to me.
and i can hear the sound of their words bouncing off the walls in my sanctuary.
i'm screaming, screaming, and none of you can hear me. take a moment and listen because i'm desperate for attention. I'm screaming, screaming, and ly lungs are finally giving out tonight. did you want to watch me see everything caving in on me?
how did i end up the sacrifice?
i never thought theyd pick me. i never thought itd be me.
i never thought id miss something i hated.
something that drove me to insanity and chased me out with frustration.
so let me out of here. i need to change this
this is not my cup of tea.
the way you are fluctuating,
one second youre here, then you're so good at being gone.
this is not where i was supposed to be.
i know we all break rules, but this wasn't in the cards for me.
one moment it's clear, and then you're so unpredictable and i can't see.
you should know that i'm not one for games.
i speak the words that i have got to say.
i don't want to watch you run anymore. just when i think you're finally here, you find a reason to scurry out the door. and it hurts every time i hear your footsteps getting quieter. you are the king of let downs.
this is not what i had hoped for.
this is not what we decided.
we connected. we had grown into eachother, on our common grounds,
so how come now we have divided?
you should know that i'm not one for tears.
i'm stronger than these fragile eyes appear. because i have to be.
when you book it out of here so fast, i can feel the lingering draft. it's like you never left at all. and i promise myself that i have rid myself of ever knowing and loving you this time. but i always change my easily swayed mind.
i used to sleep.
i used to dream of things.
i used to smile.
a smile that i meant once in a while.
now i've got this habit.
of painting emotions on my face.
to shield nieve ignorant eyes
from the mess that life has made of me
so i've made it so no one can see...
Behind these walls, that i've built here, i have found a place to hide.
i have broken down barriers before, so i know just how to do this right.
so i've put up these fences to protect myself from the stones i've seen you throw.
this is the only way i know how to let you go.
i used to breathe
i used to exhale.
even if you find me here.
you'll never catch me alive.
i used to want to love.
i wanted to love you with all the love i have inside myself.
but you've made me want to bottle it up and throw it away where no one can find it so.
I always say that this is the last time. and then i let you walk right in. just to watch you let me fall. i don't have a safety net. i don't have another chance. you're going to break me down to nothing if i dont stand up and do something
i keep things vague and blurry so you can't see past these walls.
but the chemistry brewing may demolish this, and the barriers will fall.
i dont know how to be when you're around and its painful to think about it so hard.
i watch everything so closely, analyze it to the core. for every second spent together i dream of a half a million more...
Just give me something, give me anything at all. I'll drop everything and i'll be here. All i want is to be here but i want to be wanted, it's all i can hope. Just give me something and i wont even think to go.
i don't sleep very often.
but i dream all the time.
like a clinging infection,
you've latched on to my mind.
and i don't know how to break you.
you're a habit that's just so familiar.
i've never been one for addictions
until you waltzed your way into the picture.
--All this time i've been on my hands and knees praying for you to set me free so i could operate on my own again. little did i know that you were never holding on and all i have to do is let go to move on. It's all i have to do, it's all i have to do. i havent done it yet maybe because id on't know that i want to.
-i don't cry very often,
but i'm sad all the time.
happiness is such a simple disguise.
and everything keeps changing every time i blink by eyes.
and i know i can't just make time stop, everything changes in time.
but i just want to put a hold on everything so i can hold your hand for one more moment before something changes that pushes you away.
-this moment here is right. i can look into your eyes and know that i have someone who knows me the way i want someone to know me. all the bad and all the good. you know it all and you understood. how can i live knowing that tomorrow i could be the only one who knows myself again.
all your hello's turn into goodbye's.
even my good days are not on my side.
and my horoscope tells me to be strong and fight.
but the thought of you keeps me awake all night.
why can't something so strong be reciprocated.
it's always the same problem and i hate it, i hate it.
but somehow you always convince me you might come around this time.
and i try to distance myself, but i only move in closer.
the closer i am to you the safer i feel.
Even when i stop thinking about you, i know it's only temporary. i pretend that i've forgotten you until you flood my memory. & i hate myself for this dependent person you have made me become. I can say that i'm over this, promise myself that its done, but though my brain is convincing my heart knows we've only begun.
you stop and take moments to look in my eyes.
you know when i'm hiding behind my smiling disguise.
you see right through me, like i'm always so vulnerable.
but you never fail to make me feel like i'm going to be alright.
but that's just the good days until i fall asleep at night
then i try to distance myself, but im a rollercoaster,
the ups and downs make me sick at the end of the day.
so stop right there, do not make a sound.
i don't want your voice to invade my ears tonight.
maybe if i fled this lingering town,
id have some hope for sleep tonight.
my hands and knees have weakened in time,
from crawling and crawling til i feel alive again...
sleep doesn't come easy, and days are routine,
you're the roller coaster craziness, the only, damn, thing.
pre- i feel like i'm just treading water. walking in place, in this race with everyone else. watch me fail or conquer. either way i have to either lose or prevail.
chorus-so don't hold my hand this time. the fires are everywhere, but i've been hiding for too long. if this risk i take burns through my bones, at least i know i did this, and did it alone.
why do i compare myself to all the wrong people?
what will it take to be strong?
lessons are everywhere, but they all contradict another,
and people don't change, at least not for the better.
and i've learned that all i have to trust is my own heart and soul.
sometimes i just want someone to cry to.
but i know all they'll tell me is what i want to hear.
why cant people just be reliable? give it to me like it is, don't fake it don't fake this.
all i want is honesty, but can you give me anything real?
i'm usually the girl that writes the sad songs.
but somethings evolved that changed the way i feel inside.
i feel like i've finally made a decision at the crossroads.
and you weren't the influence that made me decide.
i feel like we've been attached for much too long.
every move i made i looked at you for your approval every time.
then i learned that i was stronger than i had even imagined.
and i learned the power of my own mind.
so finally i can say the words i'm okay,
I'm much more decisive than i thought i'd ever be.
and i can do anything i want to without feeling any slight ounce of shame.
i didn't expect this positive change.
is this air or smoke in my lungs?
I'm just a girl, i've got guts and skin and bones.
But nothing is good enough.
even when i've worked until my strength is gone.
I fight harder than anyone i've ever known in all my life.
yet still i'm running in circles, trying to cut through steel with a knife.
i have lost my grip on anything that's ever mattered. now i can't keep hold of anything at all.
I even feel myself slipping away, the grounds escaping from under my toes.
everyone's voices are much too loud, and my walls have come down, i'm naked in front of a crowd of faces,
that see through me and so, why do i bother to put on a show?
is this all a bad bad joke?
i never used to be this girl.
I feel like a part of me has been taken from this world.
i'll never get it back.
i'll never get this person back.
every day is just another disease.
another thing will end up plaguing me.
-when will i grow out of this.
i can't give people something to miss.
sometimes i feel like i can fly.
but sometimes i feel so low i can't even see the sky.
sometimes i can feel the heat from the sun.
sometimes i know it's there but i hide away until the monsters have gone.
and i can't stay like this.
but i don't know how to change it.
my hands and knees have met the ground.
from the highest ledge i've tumbled right down.
all i want is to feel like there's something i don't do wrong.
something that i can feel proud to have overcome.
nothing seems to line up quite right.
i just want something consistent that can help me sleep at night.
all these things that make me feel anything but alright, should fly away.
can i just escape this, and fly away.
i crawled out from under my skin today.
i stared at myself as i floated away,
and i watched everything change.
i witnessed everything fall away.
that's not an unusual story for me these days.
-because i never thought i could love you this much.
and when i think about you, i realize i do it way too much.
i remember when this all started, i knew how i felt, but i didn't know how this would grow.
i swear to you darling, i didn't know.
i lose a part of myself every time you look away.
and when you glance at me softly, i take it so hard.
i used to be strong, now i'm falling apart.
now i'm just this sad girl, writing songs so air out my heart.
because i never thought i could love you this much.
and when i try to cling to the light something pushes me back in the dark.
i remember when this all started, i knew how i felt, but i never would let it show.
i swear to you darling, i'll never let anyone know.
because seasons keep changing but i feel the same.
i'm losing parts of myself, but this here, it remains.
all i want is for you to say it, recipricate it. bury me in something other regrets and mistakes that i've made.
because i never thought i could love you this much.
and i know i've become pathetic when i imagine the feel of your touch.
i forget how this started, but i remember the hope that i felt, i put on the perfect show.
i swear to you darling, i'll never let this go.
and i swear to you darling....
and i swear to you darling....
if i'm left broken hearted, it'll hurt but i know, these feelings i've caught, i can't just throw.
forget the regrets, love what you know. i didn't think that i'd crave you, every time that you go.
i swear to you darling, i didn't know.
i didn't know.
another endless night,
where i cant get these words phrased together just quite right
where you eat up my mind from the inside.
and when i fall asleep, i know ill see you there.
sounds so sweet, i wish it felt that way too.
i wish i didn't feel that constant need for you.
so when the sun sets, i think it could all change tomorrow.
but when its light again, nothings changed.
another day spent either hopeful, or soaked in sorrow
but i'll wait a million more days
i'm so sick of loving you.
and guessing if you love me to.
use your words, it's not that crazy.
not as crazy as the idea of loving you.
every time my eyes meet yours, i shatter.
every time you step on me i feel my heart shatter.
i've lost touch with who i really am.
ive become this statue of a girl who i can;t stand.
so why can't you just let yourself love me.
why can't i tell you what i know?
why is there always someone else on your mind?
and why can't you let them go?
is this some sick joke? making me chase you around. a game of cat and mouse, and i'm just so worn down.
why can't i believe in myself.
you're the only one i know that has that ability.
to give me home, and then crush it in your hands, in front of my eyes.
and you just break me apart inside.
it's always going to be this way.
we'll never make the progress that i pray for every day
rip the words out from my lips.
i cant bare to speak this.
pry your face far from my eyes
so i won't stare this way.
the more i tell myself that i must be harsher on my heart.
the more i seem to fall apart.
if i could go back in time, and erase our conversations, every line, every you ever muttered, it meant nothing, but my heart puttered. and i wish i could just go mute. blind my eyes, and block all the sounds coming from you. i cant change this. even if im patient, im still gonna love you.
carry me over the hot coals.
you always save me, its like you want to.
and i don't know just how to read you.
or should i even try and study you.
tears bleed from my eyes,
because i've trapped them inside,
with this crazy facade,
that i'm not fragile, but strong.
and everyone's fooled, they even say they wish they could do it like i do,
you don't want to wish that at all.
i'm empty inside, something is wrong.
i've buried secrets underneath my feet for far too long.
and you want to know me, but i don't want you to know.
but then i realize you fill me with love, and i no longer feel so hollow.
you make me believe i don't have to be hollow.
i've never been so at war with myself.
does this skin really belong to me,
do these eyes see what theyre meant to see.
and they all think ive got it so figured out,
but im always looking for answers, i cant tell you when i cant tell myself.
so show me something i can keep branded in my mind, because it feels like i forget everything, everything important all of the time.
did you know youre translucent?
When you look at yourself do you see the phony that i do?
do you have any recollection?
of the digs youve taken at people who only pretend to care about you?
but we're all so nice, we fake it.
you know all about that don't you?
but when we try to be frank, we're just outrageous.
and then you let the waterworks carry you out.
we all see you for who you are.
so what that we can put on a pretty face and smile, even if we don't want to.
and you can hurt everyone that circles you, but when the punch comes back, you put on an act,
like you're the victim here, and youve been so sincere, and we've been so very unkind.
we're two steps ahead, youre a step behind.
i can't even pretend that it's alright.
i've always been an actress, or so it seemed.
but i cant seem to grin beneath these clenching teeth.
cause all i want is to lash out.
but i know to win is to watch and smile and see.