"You're just like him"
she said to me once.
"Yes, I am"
I shouted back.
but then why is it
that you bared me?
was it, nine months?
or no, it was less...
because you did not
want to be in the hospital during christmas.
But you are right.
I am my father's child.
Not that we were attached at the hip,
it's just that we are very much alike.
I am my father's child.
a drunken child.
temperamental child.
In more ways than one,
I am my father's child.
But deceiving you,
in that way...
I'll never be his.
Today, I recall:
the days when we were kids
and we used to drink from the sky
and they told us the tales about the man
who lives in the field with his gun.
They lied.
Remember how we drank from the sky?
Remember how we licked the sun?
But their tales were false.
the man didn't live in a field.
he lived so close to home.
he lived in my home.
with his rifle for a tongue.
and, he shot my trust to the floor.
with seven words
in my seventh year.
He shot everything I would ever know
and feel about trust
straight down to the floor.
(with seven words)
a simple concept splitting my life
in three.
But yet, we remained as
one.
Maybe today,
or tomorrow,
perhaps, the day after that,
this concept will make sense to me.
Maybe when somebody says a heartfelt
"I do"
and not lend their rib cage to a whore to rest on,
this concept will make sense to me.
Right now,
all it is, is just another gospel.
connecting….
you are now connected at 4mbps.
heart beats at 4beats per second.
connecting for…
…connection.
social networks
for social interaction.
names. nicknames. pseudonyms
all over the screen.
outbox. inbox.
feelings box.
boxed and botched.
attracted to an idea
a person living inside my computer screen
in my inbox.
are you sure you want to replace this file?
click.
i’m forgetting about you.
you with the flesh
and the warm blood.
and the beating heart.
pop-up.
this signal is poor.
i’ve been disconnected.
we’re disconnected.
hi there,
i recently got lost in the four chambers
inside of your chest
and my god
what a mess it is that she has
left.
this will be a tough act to follow...
but i kind of prefer you like this
insert the dagger
and twist
it's a tough act to follow...
i hate to lose
and i to fail
i strive to succeed,
even if it's for my own selfish gain
(pity she never knew this)
this is a tough act to follow.
so that's how you got here
split open
and bleeding
just so i could clean
the fucking mess
she left
she sure was a tough act to follow.
"thank you"
pleasure.
"do accept?"
I decline.
sometimes,
late at night
I curse my senses.
and I dream about
how wonderful
I would look
as a window ornament.
on this day
every year
i count the seasons
since you disappeared
(it's 22 today, just like my age)
and i still see you everywhere
they think i'm silly
i remember today
(seven years ago)
like it was just the other day
from sleeping to dreaming
to hoping that it was just a dream
and then pretending like it was
but the words
from the voice on the other side of the telephone
"our deepest condolences"
started to make it real
i didn't want it to be
so i carried on and went to school
and wrote a biology test to pretend it was not
(the bitch made it count for my year end mark)
i couldn't pretend hard enough.
you were gone.
but it's only your skin
and your bones
your hips and your toes
your eyes and your smile
your big hands and your silly old man style
those are the things that all disappeared
your heart
and your dreams
your fears and your screams
your guidance and love
your temper and your laugh
still lives on in my heart
a daughter and her father
are always just a few heartbeats apart
(no matter what)
and i hope you are proud of me
like i am of you
for smiling
while screaming
with with everything you went through
** for tonie muller
father, fighter, brother, hero.
12.11.54 - 21.02.03
Your routine is so divine
I have it memorized
You have me mesmerized
how i've longed for
my tainted skin
it keeps me breathing
and stops you
from getting in
Bite the rose, my dear.
Let's tango.
I hope your scars run as deep as mine.
it's been a while since I've felt
your breeze scrape at this empty cavity.
i mourn this loss every day,
but
i keep your heart with me
in my heart
i keep you
the earth sings
new blooms whisper
to remind me of your scent
(just like the ocean)
i hold your heart
in my heart
and should we meet again,
i hope that you kept my heart
with you
like the moon to gravity
so is your heart to me
and not even these storm tides can relinquish your memory.
congratulations,
you gave me the illing feeling,
that feeling I hate.
you gave me vertigo.
My sheets are cold
like the dawn,
I made another car accident.
This time,
I'm terminal.
Rage:
What’s the view like
from your throne?
Can you see me yet?
(I don’t think you ever saw me at all)
Can you hear the skin
fall from my shoulders?
It’s so much easier
to keep it physical.
Longing:
I’ll bring you my ruined skin.
Maybe then you'll believe that
this is hard for me too.
Forget:
I drew what resembles maps on my skin
it now only resembles ruins.
today I read a story about a man
with a br
oken heart.
I compared him to me
and you
and I
to us
what we were
what we tried to be
what you thought I was...
I'm glad I lost it
because, he is not you
but then again.
I'm not really her either.
I screamed against the wind
heard my voice echo
memories echoed
I walked to the park bench
and I hoped to find you there
In the streets
and the rain
I danced
and sang your name
hoping that you would show
In the midst of all this chaos,
I really hoped that you would show
.
I asked the ocean to let me drink from her.
She said that it's a sin to drink alone/
I saw how the ocean swallowed the sun
and he allowed it
(because he was alone, or lonely?)
I considered following suit.
I fell onto my back
I watched the origami in the sky
and I killed memories I never had.
I tear apart the city streets
blow up sky scrapers
challenge the south easter to a battle
and fight concrete.
to find
what I
misplaced
.
to feel like this
must be
the same way
the sand grains feel
when they are smashed against the rocks
I would rather be a tree in a sink hole
than feel like this.
I would still eat the sun for you
I would still swallow the ocean
to bring rain for you
(I know you like it better when the skies are grey)
in my dreams,
I still see you.
in these ashes,
my heart still
beats
for
you.
and my nights are consumed
by thoughts of you.
I can't put out the fire
any faster than it started.
I exhale fire
and my skin is emerald
I was destined to be great.
I was destined to be
I am destiny!
the back ache consumes me
but my wings have spread
wide enough
to lift me
is my blessing
a (my) curse,
my curse,
my destiny?
sapphire is my vice.
(escape)
they are lurking
(behind shadows and on door knobs)
and following me
(to my bed room and into my bed)
I find comfort
in the water
and then back to the start.
(They are in the water!)
the pounding in my head
never stops.
like a hamster's wheel
(dead hamster)
diseased little hamster.
it's always turning
I cannot stop them.
I wrote something for you.
would you accept my words?
I promise you, they mean no harm.
if you need glasses, I will buy them for you.
You can run if you like,
can I follow?
Cry if you want to,
but can I dry your eyes?
You can scream if you want,
I promise I'll listen.
Anything you do,
is okay with me.
Because I am so glad I found you here.
And if the rain comes,
to strip me of feeling...
I hope it strips you of fear.
Because,
I stand before you:
e m p t y .
Please accept my words.
I promise...
they mean no harm.
together,
we were immortal.
never again
could I trust in this man made prophecy.
I awake in obscurity
(nothing left in my head,
no thought, no feeling)
Oh please forgive me,
Forgive them,
(they know not what they do)
Forgive us
(we know not what we say)
forever,
will be the death of me.
