I had to come clean with myself last night.
I was reciting the truth I always knew, that I always told, but this time to someone that would tell me the bitter truth. The kind I never would come to terms with.
So I admitted to my friend why all my past loves went wrong and how I was stuck on one. I revealed how i was still pursuing the impossible, making a fool out of myself, but still trying...just pushing aside that maybe somewhere in Wisconsin I'm being laughed at.
He asked me why, why am I so stuck? What's so great about this nigga? And I got quiet as I slumped in his dorm with my hands in my pockets, chin in my chest. I don't know. You have to know. Well it was kind of the first time I truly didn't know. I guess after months of defending why you're doing something you lose sight of why you're doing it. I could only say "I hate to lose."
Yeah I added some bullshit like "he was my friend. He was my first normal guy." But of course he had to add "so that's all you want is normal? Not great?" I thought about my pride. I thought about my past. I thought about my future. I thought about the paths that led me here.
I had a breakthrough. Now I can start moving towards the light.
I miss you sincerely every day. Every moment that passes that isn't spent just exchanging one word with you is spent reminiscing about the past. I guess you can say I'm lost. That's what happens when you live in the past right? Well, that's what I'm doing. Hopelessly remembering the first time you pulled me in by my red sweatshirt strings and I paused. Just staring at you so I could remember the one moment that would change me. Forever. That pause before I decided if I was ready for the mess I'd be getting myself into.
It just felt so damn good. I don't know if it was because it was spring or if it was because I had suffered from a break up 3 months prior, but I came alive again. I was living, laughing, always eager for the next time I'd see you and smile from ear to ear cornily. You'd laugh and I'd think it was the sexiest thing you could do. So we always laughed.
I'd tiptoe from your car to my door, trying not to wake my mom. And you'd.tiptoe from my door to your car to do the same. We were happy. Yes, the summer of 2012 was perfect. I grew to know I loved you, because you were my friend. A friend that listened to my problems, gave me advice, laughed at my jokes, and held me. You always held me, and all I wanted was to hold you down.
Here I go living in the past again. But those times changed me. The ache I felt was numerous: fall 2012; winter 2012; winter 2013; spring 2013; summer /2013, fall 2013; winter 2013. That's a lot huh? Well part was the jealousy of sharing, the other was your absence.
But this pain is my karma. When I say you changed me, I mean you still are changing me. It's like I run to pain as if I don't think I deserve happiness because it's always too good to be true. I've hurt people, and I've been hurt, and I thought all pain has a pay off. You taught me that. You always said we'd be good. Well we were, then I lost you.
As my first semester of college comes to a close, I'm lower than I started. As if I was running on this sugar high that college would purge you from my system. It didn't. It was like I was constantly trying to fill this void that was always there but the alcohol would always make more evident. Same with the weed. Weed would cause me to over think to almost tears. Lead to me questioning what kind of person I am and what kind I want to be.
I've learned that you can't build happiness based on someone else's unhappiness. I also need to break the habit of covering my pain with new faces because it just leads to more confusion and messiness. My rebound turned to my romance. And what I felt can't easily be replaced. I feel low, to the point I look at myself and see a whore,used and left behind. Damaged goods. Repeatedly.
It's so hard to not exist in someone's world where they exist so much in yours no matter how long the absence. Yes, in that moment that you pulled me in by my red sweatshirt strings you changed me. Forever.
Someone that makes my heart flutter and my knees weaken. He gives me a feeling that makes my eyes soften while still staring intensely. Daydreaming about his smile as he speaks words unknown. Yeah, that's what I want. When he touches me nonchalantly for the first time, I want my heart to stop and stare at his hand just to believe its happening. Make him want me then now and forever, before he knows what's hidden. I want the fantasy that is the falling.
I wonder if I even want a response anymore. Because I always enjoy the challenge of being ignored. I'll complain about it, then still call you when I'm drunk, text you when I'm lonely. No response. And I'll go through my day as if I never was rejected. Neglect to tell my friends I had a relapse, that I'd been relapsing for 5 months now with no signs that there was even a good cause to fight for. Maybe I don't want anyone for my own, too complicated, too public, too much effort. So I like to intrude on things already in progress to be everything their missing, that thrill. But thrills only last so long. You taught me that.
She had eyes like a horse.
Big eyeballs, but lids that couldn't contain them.
Her eyes were all seeing, always wanted to burst out of the small slits.
Almond shaped, her family teased them saying she was Asian.
Such big eyes, but such thin slits.
As if there was something behind them that needed to be held back.
Almost as if God created her knowing she would need less space for tears to run down.
Those eyes trained her over the years to let the pipes of her mind well.
To fill until it was utterly impossible to keep the water detained.
Those slits were more like levees right before Katrina came.
Strong until a stronger force reckons with it.
They held it all in for her.
Slits that thought they were saving her from her own emotions.
Levees that were suppose to stop the water, Levees that save the public
However, they were drowning her.
An accumulation of emotions that only she had to face.
Alone, in her own ocean.
Oh, those small slits and her horse eyes.
It's snowing outside and
I'm in bed watching through the window
Singing love songs
Asking if I'll be cold all winter
In more ways than one
don't let the transition become the permanent
can i use you?
just to transition to my permanent?
can you lead me to my future
be my present
just a hand to get me through
can i use you?
kiss me as i wait for my prince
distract me from this heartache i'm running from
You can use me too ya know
I'll give you tenderness
when the world is too rough on you
I'll give you erotica
when you've become bored
I just wanna use and be used.
i don't wanna go back out there.
just to be cold and alone.
just as i am here.
might as well suffer with you.
be alone next to you
even if i know someone else was here
will be here
this spot isn't mine.
neither are you.
but don't send me back out there.
although i'll be cold and alone
with or without you.
always anticipating my forever
best described as
my sweaty palms
We're the same person, in two bodies
Going through the motions
So we dance
Showing the room what our exes missed out on
So they'll assure us that we're worth something
we lay in beds just wanting to be held
Only when it's too dreadful to go back
Or we're too drunk to face our issues
We preach about self empowerment
But secretly we feel helpless when the sun goes down
We reach for our goals
But always wallow in the one goal that we obtained and lost
Best friends. Both going through heartbreaks.
April 6th: Our first time
July 6th: Our first I love you.
August 29th: The first time you said I was you everything, forever.
December 7th: The first time I tried to say good-bye.
It was too painful, it scared me.
May 2nd: The first time we spoke after a month apart, and my hands were shaking.
I missed you.
July 10th: Our last time.
July 15th: The last time we had a conversation.
July 16th-Present: Missing you, loving you, thinking about you.
All I have are these dates, and I find myself staring into space just thinking...
With your face committed to memory.
Wondering if any new dates will come..
I'M A GOOD GIRL AND I KNOW IT
each day i list my qualifications
wondering where i fall short
maybe theres a class for that
a tutor perhaps
i've always been a perfectionist
but i've never gotten a 4.0 in Love.
Tune into another day, I do
Playing sentimental love songs that describe me oh too perfectly
"I can't get over you, you left your mark on me"
"I love you enough for the both of us"
"you act so different around me"
"but i stayed down, i always stayed down"
i nod my head, as my heart aches with the bass
"running on my mind boy, running on my mind boy."
times like this I sit back and reflect on how many times
i thought of you today, i lost count after being awake for 2 hours.
No matter what I'm doing, you seem to surface
So i want to kiss you as I cross from Dayton to Charter
I want to lay with you as i walk back to my dorm
I want to punch you during Tae Kwon Do class
Run from these feelings on the treadmill,
but I always get tired after 2.5 miles.
Sometimes I think of you so much it scares me.
Because I've never been so stuck.
So reserved for one person because nothing
else feels right.
I feel like I took those embraces for granted because thinking
about you now gets me through...
So when some other is pursuing me
they notice I tend to daze off
because I'm comparing them to what I rather have.
And I flinch at their embraces because I still know
yours all too well.
Two months have passed, and I've thought of you
every single hour on the hour.
you just always seem to be onmymind.
I've loved him since I was 14.
Before I knew what love was
Or what sex felt like
He was my friend first
That dropped names such as
Beautiful lovely and gorgeous
That made me feel like more than a silly freshman.
He loved me before anyone really cared to know me.
Before my mind body and soul began to mature.
He cared enough to be patient
To let me know he was in it for my heart.
We always came back to each other
no matter how long
So I know he'll be back in December,
And I'll be loving him like I did when I was 14 as the days glide.
When I speak of my past loves my face always lights up because i reminisce to times of laughter,kisses, and bliss. I've been in love numerous times, but I question which exactly was the real one? Because you always want what you can't have...
Sometimes it's like I'm in love with my best friend,
because when we laugh we're equally obnoxious
He's always doing things a husband would do
the simple things
and he listens when I talk about my trivial female issues
and he learns to understand all my mood swings
and he ignores the sinning I do when he's not around
he loves me, and reminds me every time I need reassurance
as to why I am capable of being loved.
But sometimes I just want to live and take risks!
So I've danced with the devil a few times just to try the feel
that they say some men can bring, that feel they say will drive a woman to do
crazy things, and it in fact resulted in me doing some crazy things
like living in the moment
getting so tied up in love you forget what day it is
forgetting there is a whole world because in those moments
the world is you and him
with your legs wrapped around his waist
and your arms around his neck
saying you've missed him when only a matter of hours had passed before you saw him again
I guess it's possible to be in love with two people,
but if it came down to it you'd know exactly who you'd choose
even if he wouldn't choose you.
My love life is like my nails.
I can't really commit to a single shade
because when i look down at my finger tips
I think back to the times when a professional was
manicuring my hands, making them perfect
so these other shades don't really seem to fit
because I miss certain sections
accidentally paint my cuticles
my hang nails are everlasting
i always smear them before they dry
and leave an imprint that shows that I was impatient
and fell asleep
do you see what I'm getting at?
He was more than just a single shade
because from red to violet
they always made him perfect
now i look down at my nail bites and wonder
if my hands will ever reach that beauty my
nail technician would bring out
the same way I wonder if I'll meet someone
that brings the vibrance out in me
someone that makes me feel perfect
I can't commit to a nail color,
because no matter what shade I choose
it'll never amount to you.
I have a craving.
Just for that chocolate boy that left me back home.
I can't seem to let him leave my mind
because when I close my eyes he runs rapidly
through it, me just reminiscing.
Four times I've tried to find someone that is born with the
knowledge of my body's combination,
but they come up short, in more than just one
I didn't appreciate the relief he gave, until now.
Sitting here craving those hands, those lips,
a blessing and a curse
experiencing you, the best of you,
now i'm in withdrawal
It's all about transitions.
That ongoing change that you always want to run towards
but when the going gets tough you
run back to reminiscing.
My departure wasn't a great enough reason for him to break the silence.
I wonder what his reaction was when he saw my number pop up,
I wonder if he sighed from irritation as he read the message and just erased it from the phone and his memory.
I wonder if he felt tenderness for a split second.
I guess I thank him in a way because he never wanted to hold me back, and I know if I saw him
I definitely wouldn't want to leave him.
So he forces me to let go of yesterday
And dive into tomorrow
Hopefully forgetting him one day at a time
Until I can look back and say
Thank you for forcing me to let go.