I knew this girl once.
I won't say we were friends
Because we weren't.
I should say, she knew me.
A girl knew me once.
And I was too afraid
Too young
Too angry
To know her back.
So we pretended for a while
And then we stopped.
She stopped seeing me
Just as I started seeing her
Just as I started knowing
Just as I started being.
Time dragged me
And I tried to be blind
I tried to stop seeing
And just when I thought
I was ready
To never see again
She appeared
And drew my hands from my eyes
And looked at me for a long time.
We saw each other as we always were
As we always are
And then we turned our backs
And walked apart.
I screamed
And realized
I would never be blind again.

I remember us in bed
the most.
I think about the heat
the burn
the bites and bruises.
I think about the loss of breath
The heaving chests
The white bright lights
and rest.
But more than the fire
I think about the silence
and the way you would put your ear to my chest
and count my heartbeats.
I remember your breath on my neck
your arm around my waist
and all the nothing that was said
and cut me with its loveliness.
I remember us in bed
and try to forget the fire.

I walk the world with thoughts of you
In every place I go
Your voice is on the winter wind
Your footprints in the snow
And every tool I try to use to scrape you from my mind
Cuts your name onto my tongue
And beats me till I'm blind
I layed my head upon your knees and breathed the air you breathed
I cut myself when you were cut to know just how you bleed
Now as I walk this empty earth with nothing but a face
To breathe me and to bleed me
Until I leave this place

I stand above my bed
And examine the damage.
Blankets this way and that
Pillows all over
Sheets tangled up around themselves.
Proof of something that
Only hours ago
Left this place empty.
I take in the rubble
And breathe deeply.
I lower myself down to those
Tangled sheets
And backwards bedspreads
And fill my lungs with you.
I pull them up around me
And close my eyes
And wish for this place to be
The same kind of battleground
Again tomorrow.

Someone once asked me
If I was afraid of dying.
I said yes.
What else is there to be afraid of
Besides that?
Now, looking at you
Your breath against my neck
Your eyes searching my face
Your smell soaking into my sheets
I realize I answered like a child.
If I am asked that question again
I think I will answer
that I am afraid of one thing
That one day
Your eyes will close
Your head will turn
and I will lose you
To someone
Who isn't me.

You were wearing that old sweatshirt
You know the one?
With the holes and the bleach stains?
You're were looking at me with those big blue eyes
And I was taken prisoner
You trapped me under that sweater
Under your skin
Under your eyelashes
And I was set free again
Into a new world
Where no one wears that sweater
Like you do.

I loved you across lakes
Through clouds
over earths
and seas
and days
and nights
I loved you through my pain
under shadows
over yes
and no
and please
I loved you more than me
and it hurt
every day
a little more
than the one before
And when I did not have to love you
across water
and dreams
and tears
I could not love you at all.

There is a greatness in your form
The way you carry yourself around
Like you're the beginning
And the end
Of every sentence.
There is a cruelty in your eyes
And how they cut me down
Around every corner
And under all the moons and suns
We've seen together.
There is a kindness to your body
Like it has covered all it's bruises
And learned from its mistake
Of trusting you with it.
And there is murder on your lips
When they join with mine
And I feel my life ending
With every untaken breath.

Give me, to start, a love that blows through me
A love that lights candles
A love that burns bright
Then give me a love that is adult and wise
A love that will teach me
A love that leaves scars
But to end things I wish for a love that moves mountains
A love that sets fires
A love that surounds.

I fight sleep tonight.

I imagine

What it would feel like

To curve into you.

To feel you press against me

And into me

And through me.

I think it would be like

Jumping off a bridge.

Pain is in the plan

But so is the water

And it's warm

And worth the sting.

I dream of being under darkness with you.

Eyes that flutter open

And brush your cheeks.

Kissing your skin goodnight.

Professing desire to your face.

To your eyes specifically.

Your eyes.

Something I am too selfish to describe.

I trace them every night

On the backs of my eyelids.

So I never forget the way they fall on me.

I imagine you in my dreams tonight

And sleep comes like a gun.

I looked for you at night

you strayed far from my sight

I looked for you in sunshine

but sunshine was too bright

I looked for you in darkness

I looked for you by light

I looked for days and months and years

and couldn’t put it right.

There is a tension in the air lately

I find it nice to breathe in

Like magnetic dust

that pulls me further from the past

and takes me somewhere dark

It leads me back to you

Every day and every night

in every corner of the world.

I am filled with a liquid heat

that caresses my bones

and threatens to break them

if they do not comply.

It strikes my veins and fills my heart

with fear I can’t express.

It chokes my words

It freezes my eyes closed

and I’m at your mercy.

There is a tension in the air lately

Like static shocks

That sting in a beautiful way.

Well I saw her on the stairs by the sea
I didn't know her and she didn't know me
lips on lips and no eyes for the thirst
Hands on hands and heaven on earth

and i knew better
well i knew better
and i should have let her
fall down
fall down
fall down

years passed by and they tore down the stairs
walls found doors then tables and chairs
you couldn't see out and you couldn't see in
and we wore our smiles like a second skin

and i loved her
and i loved her
but i was hurt
my love
my love

Then I sat all alone by the sea
i knew her but she didn't know me
it was a sunday when we said
that's alright it wasn't even worth it
it wasn't even worth it
it wasn't even worth it
no no
and i and i know
i and i know
i know
oooh i know
and now i know
and i know
and i let it show

We're still there on a raft in the sea
i couldn't see land and you couldn't see me

My heart is where you are.
Should I ask for it back?
Should I be so unkind?
You have, for so long now, needed it.
I don't think I have the stomach
To see you weep over it's loss.
You cared for it,
Nursed it back to health.
You held it to your heaving breast.
And I know, because it is mine,
You cherish it above all things.
So I will let you grasp it,
For a few moments longer.
To stroke it with the care
You abandoned
When you broke it.
But then, my darling,
I must have it back.
We are too old now to be fools
Who lend their hearts to strangers.

you are the sensation of falling
you are hunger pangs
you are the knot in my muscles
you are a wound that will not heal
you are a scab, itching to be picked off
you are a life of your own
you are an eyelash in my eye
you are everything and nothing
you are a fingernail, cut too short
you are wind before a storm
you are the thunder
you are my greatest success
and my fondest regret
you are raindrops on a sunny day
you are my act one, two and three
you are my hero, my leading lady
and my villain
you are my pen on paper
you are my blood in the sink
you are my foot, tap tap
you are the air in my lungs
you are responsible for me
you are.

"You think you know someone..."
I never thought I knew you.
I always knew I did.
There was never a flicker of doubt.
Only confidence.
And cold, hard, stone
with our names written in it.
I shadowed you.
I was a spirit attached to you
living off of your light
your brightness.
Never quite as brilliant
as it's master.
I trailed along behind you
and forgot
I once had a light, too.
I once had spirits.
I was once too much to bear
for someone I loved.
I once broke hearts.
I was once flesh and blood
before you
The one I knew
So in these hours that pass now
between you and I
So far apart in spirit
I revel in my own light
and realize it was you
who didn't know me.

We are the children of electricity.
I run an idle finger down your loveliness
And feel only sparks.
They flicker in ecstasy against my hands,
And for the millionth time I force myself away
Terrified it's too much.
So much light inside of you,
My greed is overwhelming.
These shocks I have to harness for my own.
They can only be mine.
For I have no electricity of my own,
And rely on you for the light
To move through the dark days ahead.

I'd love to take you with me
wherever I may go
through days of hot white summer
and hours of ice cold snow
but as i walk along here
i face the need to show
I cannot take you with me
wherever I may go

Every breath of mine is false.
It is taken from somewhere else
and put inside me
by some unseen force.
My life is not my own.
My blood is pumped
but not by me.
My eyes are opened and closed
but not my me.
My feet move back and forth
but not by me.
Everyone is fooling me.
They know my tragic story.
They know my secret.
That I belong to others
and not myself.
That I am a slave to someone else.
I am a tool used to love.
I am a toy that was played with
too much.
I am scratched and bent
and I know it.
I have been abused
and before I can escape
my arms and legs are bound
and I become once again
a slave to no one.

I reach out in my sleep.
I claw at the wall behind my head.
I cry out, wounded.
I toss from left to right.
I reach out in my sleep.
For someone far away.
The skin I haven't touched
For a life I cannot know.
I reach out in my sleep.
To a dreamworld full of no.
It's red and black.
For blood and death.
I reach out in my sleep.
In search of something white.
For hands that fist and rest.
For your mouth on top of mine.
I reach out in my sleep.
Hoping to find you there.