They turn me inside out again
blank pages flutter to the floor
They have to shake me
in order to free the few pages
that I held dear
they were stuck to my hands and caught on my heart
"Why won't you let these go?"
"They are just empty pages"
I let the ink fall from my eyes
"You can't fill something up if it isn't first empty"
I like to run and
let my feet stomp over my thoughts.
If I could,
I would unleash a stampede of cows or wildebeests.
My memories would be rendered to a pulp.
And my dreams might be sufficiently squashed,
that they would think twice
about rising up into the thought bubble
that floats innocently, glowing above my head
in my dark room.
no, No, NO the maestro said,
like the eulogy we sang for the Northmen
It is a bit of a sad day,
He finds it soothing to hear a sad song,
his son is dead, you know.
Make it melancholy!
This is a man who has been
freighted by loss,
let us do his suffering justice.
Sing it again and make sure it is
laden with loss.
Such a sad song
and so comforting.
Play him the
Troubles of this World
and make sure all of the notes are
burdened with loss,
no, No, NO.
it goes like this:
trouble, hardship, difficulty.
These are the chords of sorrow,
you would do well to learn them.
But three years is no time at all.
It takes much longer than that
to fully lose one's child.
An orchestra cannot conquer
the sound of his sadness.
He won't hear us yet.
Can't you see that he is not listening?
He thumbs through memories and pictures,
La vita breve he whispers.
I run towards
unmoving iron sky and
Grey steel waves
Feet hammering cold, hard sand
Like nails, each footstep
is placed with precision
Hammers and nails don't change the flat sand
It was built and compressed
by the weight of a thousand waves
Too cold for bare feet
but I can't feel the cold because I am almost flying
almost but not quite
like a bird that can't be brave
I just wanted to find the emptiness
my eyes capture it,
more effectively than any camera
When I close them the picture I took of the sea
is engraved delicately on my eyelids
my lips taste the iridescent salt spray on the breeze
My heart is grey not yellow or blue
It belongs to the ocean
Where I can feel as deep as I need
and want as much as I want to
I look back to see if you are following
But you are trapped within a cage of humanity
Set yourself free
Why can't you just run after me?
I know where I am going
I show you the pictures on my eyelids
and put them in frames for you
But you don't even care
About chasing the horizon,
about where I have been
So I run faster
My bare feet are more effective
than your shoes
rains down on me
I put up my umbrella
but I can still see
all of their faces
peering through the raindrops
"is this her?"
I drop the umbrella
let their poison
wash over me
because I will be
whatever they see
I'll know that
I am More
They may still wonder
and stare through the glass
but they will know now
Yes, this is her
and she is more...
And so this is the end.
But in the end,
It was like they said:
Sweeter than most.
I give you something
You drop it
And step on it
Ignore it and dismiss it
So what will happen
If I give you
Everyday I saw them flying
Heard them screaming
Cursed their noisy presence
Resented the danger they presented to my wards
The baby fish that I was charged with
One tourist commented that
"Kingfishers sure are beautiful birds"
I agreed solemnly (out loud) but privately I didn't agree at all
Didn't see any beauty in their white and grey feathers
Didn't hear it in their coarse shrieks
I was taken aback by a strange shape flapping and struggling above the water
It was one of them, one of the kingfishers
Somehow he had snagged his wing on a fish hook and was dangling helplessly
I saw blood and torn flesh, my approach simply made him more frantic
I tried to pull the hook out but it was viciously intertwined with the creature
My hand brushed incredibly soft and downy feathers
His eyes were wide with panic, his thin, powerful beak open in bleak desperation
I put my hand out to lift him
His black claws put pressure on my hand, relieved pressure from the fishing line
and allowed me to extract the lethal hook from his ruffled, ravaged wing
He flew, he was scared of me,
he fell back to the water
I was ready to save him but he was swept out of sight
I stood there thinking
How terrible for a creature of the sky to die in the water
How scared he must be to be surrounded by the wrong kind of blue
Sinking instead of soaring
Then I saw a kingfisher suddenly fly up behind me
It might have been the same one but I'm not sure
Logic tells me that it must have been him
But my heart remains sad
and tells me no
There is a balance
that regulates karmic disturbances.
If something good happens to you
inevitably, something bad will happen too.
The number of good things
is equal to the number of bad things.
One big good thing may be equivalent
to many small bad things,
but it all evens out in the end,
no matter what.
The trick is to learn to be content.
Not sad not happy,
simply attain a level of contentment
that you can reach even when you are alone.
If you have this foundation of contentment
you will never find yourself sinking too far
beneath the surface.
Reject anything less than the sky.
Find the person that is the hurricane
to your rain.
Never be happy to accept the bad things
or to be merely content.
Defy all of the expectations that hover over you
like a dull drizzle.
Escape from anything
that feels normal and mundane.
Never make a decision that
you believe is wrong.
There is nothing worse than
doing something that you cannot justify,
no regret more powerful
than the regret of betraying your heart,
going against your morals,
allowing someone else to make your choice
and use your voice.
Tell the truth.
Don't say anything unless something needs to be said
and don't bother to say anything you don't mean.
Speak from the heart.
Don't do something if it means nothing to you.
Let people tell you their stories.
Never interrupt because you never know when
someone is telling you something
that is difficult for them to say.
Never be less than what you are.
Don't make yourself smaller
to accomodate others.
Believe that you are a person worth knowing.
Believe that yours is a life worth living.
Know that you matter
If you want to be loved,
Acknowledge feelings of jealousy
but don't let them poison your thoughts
or motivate your actions.
Never act spitefully towards someone who has hurt you
because one day you might be the one doing the hurting.
Never assume you know the reasoning
behind someone's actions or words.
Remember that people don't necessarily mean everything they say
and that the things they do
aren't binding or permanent.
Feelings change and grow or disappear.
would you rather be loved falsely, or rejected truthfully?
we don't always love the people who love us, so why would we want
to try and force someone to care for us if they don't?
Realize that your actions affect others,
and that your actions can have repercussions
Treat people the same way that you would like to be treated,
and don't be afraid to do stupid things
if it makes someone smile.
Small interactions can mean the world,
a simple hello will often suffice.
Don't forget about your family.
They are your roots and they love you unconditionally.
You do not necessarily need to like them,
but you need to save a little space in your heart for them.
Do not take them, or anyone else in your life,
Things change, people get sick, accidents happen.
Be sure that all of your words are kind so you can
Make sure that your last words are kind.
Forgive easily and quickly.
Give unlimited second chances.
Apologize even if you are not at fault.
Reach out your hand, even if no one reaches out for you.
Do not hold grudges or seek revenge.
There is no conflict without cause, so
Do not be or create the cause.
Never forget how to view the world through the eyes of a child.
Earn the respect and friendship of children.
Be someone that you would like to introduce to your
seven year old self.
Don't show your heart to just anyone.
But if given the chance
unleash the universe that lives inside of you
every forgotten corner and supernova of emotion
Share the chronicles of your life
the dusty memories and vibrant moments of impact
woven together into the fabric of your life
A fabric that is always changing
and never quite complete
Anticipation can be sweet
but it quickly turns sour
if it amounts to nothing
Are you gonna
why did you turn
A sweet memory into
A sour disappointment?
There is no perfect moment
There is nothing more powerful or more dangerous
Even a thin, barely existent, nearly transparent wisp of it
can be devastating
It's a mist that floats into your mind
infecting your brain
with possibilities and images
of what should be, what could be, what will never be
Entirely plausible wishes and dreams
that leave crippling wounds
when they don't come true
I made your words into a paper airplane
And flew them out my window
You were supposed to be on that airplane too
You were supposed to vanish from my mind
My feelings were supposed to disappear in a fatal crash
I was aiming for total nuclear destruction
In hopes of annihilating your sweet presence
But all that you are and all that I feel for you
Simply spiralled slowly into a deep, hidden place
nothing died, nothing perished
You remained very much alive
I don't know what I should call her
But whoever she is
She isn't me
This is the person that the world sees at first
Having to put up with this
Boring, flustered, awkward, rambling
Until the real me finally manages to
Break the walls and crumble the door
That separate everyone from who
I really am
I think it might be worth it to wait
For the real me to show up
But the question is
Who has the patience to stick around until then?
Because lets face it,
She often shows up Late
Sometimes it's hard to escape from my cage
Sometimes they don't want to let me out
I have developed
an utterly unfortunate habit
of caring too much
for people who don't
care too much for me
they don't understand
the way that I care
and that I can't help
but care way too much
A simple hello
I was 19 the first time I felt it
I saw a photo of the Golden Gate bridge
And wanderlust stirred in some little used corner of me
For the first time I saw the attraction of moving
Changing, leaving, discovering
Doing all of those things that I am no good at
I like to dwell
My home is built out of the people I let into my heart
And without them I am a gypsy
Aimlessly pacing the world
Learning to be lonely I have found home in little places
Instead of people
I found home under a parasol of green leaves
That drenched me in a misty, golden shower
I see home in the handfuls of seaweed that I send back into the ocean
Letting the tide snatch it from my hands
I could build a house out of places and memories
Instead of living in a home that is held together by love
Because my people keep abandoning me
And so I keep trying to rebuild something, anything
But too many repairs make it so that places and people collide
Leaving me nowhere to dwell
If I step in a place I stepped with you
It is no longer safe
It has been poisoned by a happy memory
Sand slaps against my feet
With the echoes of the
Footprints that I left before
The hollow ring of the
Reverberates through my toes
The constant steely water
But never really goes
Is there anything more beautiful than a tugboat?
Earth and sea
And I am home
This place makes me a mermaid
Magic in the sea salt
Returns me to my childhood
Who can resist the trumpet call
Of a castle in the sand?
I hear laughter on these shores
In the waves
Hidden in cool, splashing bubbles
When I disturb the mighty rock fortresses
Of the scrabbling water bugs
I fell in love on this beach
A veil of sea weed awaits me
And I will carry a bouquet of
Sky and Salt
Glass pane painted
the colours of the ocean
not the deepest hue
not the shade of the shallows either
you can't see the surface
or reach the bottom
down is up, up is down
empty, eerie, but full
this is the sky
with an arrow shot
through each point where the glass breaks
an arrow aimed straight and true
opening a window
and letting the celestial light
these are the silver people
that we paste in our windows
that we place so far away
out of reach
to say the least
but they have their own eternal fires
that burn through the blue
and the water
and through you
They say blind people can still dream pictures
As their eyes close, their eyes open to the world
My eyes kept you close when they shut
Holding you as tightly as you held me
But I wonder if we are seeing different dreams
Do you ever see my colours in your sleep?
Answers cower in dark corners
Along with my courage
My words speak of dreams and colours
But I live in plain black and white
Confining my happiness to an area the size
Of a tea cup
Swirling, rainbow dreams swallowed and forgotten
I hate you almost as much as I hate myself
You lazily question
"Where's your mind?"
If you have to ask then you already know that it's gone
I spit out the tried and true excuse
"I'm just tired"
And I hate myself even more
When I hear the generic, cliche lies
Falling from my lips
As easily as yours fall on mine
I resent the fact that I'm giving you anything at all
My words were not meant for you
And you remind me again that
No amount of loneliness
Justifies kissing the wrong lips
"You have a beautiful body"
Oh, fuck off
If I fall asleep I can pretend
That your arms belong to someone else
And so I went on a bicycle ride
Straight like an arrow
Towards the water
This one time
I went there and it was quiet
and nothing made sense
Today there was a building
Building noise into the silence
So it wasn't the same
I saw a muskrat
For the very first time
And the water was different
but my head went quiet again
And I stood there alone
Surrounded by the world
none of them noticed
when I laughed